Bridge

I have been reading up a lot on how to declutter and perform feng shui and all that jazz. It gives me some sort of clarity and levity, having neatness in my life. Now, I am not THAT organised, neither am I messy. I can be quite a procrastinator but when I do kick my sorry butt to clean up, I am very thorough. It’s my inner Virgo instincts kicking into high gear.

So just as the outside part of me needs a lot of work…I need to work on overhauling my interiors as well. I am constantly pandering to the query on whether I am psychologically sound sometimes, but then we are all deranged in some ways, are we not? I find great escape from working day to day, living it as it is and enjoying a particularly quiet moment with my boyfriend, family and friends.

I have my own goals to chase, I know. I was recently given more responsibilities to fulfil at work, and the stress of it nearly broke me down. There is a quasi-maniacal part of me that actually derive some sort of twisted pleasure from the pressure, strangely enough. Every time I feel stressed or sad, I pop SATC into my DVD and go, “Yup, I’m living the life.”

But priceless moments never came from work. It motivates me, fulfils me in ways that are so short-term and fleeting that I have become numb from the constant bursts of excitement and adrenaline. Some people can be fed through material rewards, but not me. Sure, I love money like the rest of humanity, but I find greater joy from other things. Like spending quality time with the boyfriend with plenty of conversation and hugs. Or grocery shopping with my gung-ho dad, watching Korean dramas with my mum or even stuffing my bro with food by taking him out. Or chatting with my girls over meals and giggling over silly stuff.

I dreamt of a bridge to two worlds connecting me between past and present. At moments, I toss my head and I can smell the scent of the sea in joyrides across Penang bridge. I recall giggling as I treaded across the sand in Batu Feringghi late at night, feeling like a trespasser when it is actually a free country. I blink and I am back in my present, stuck in a back of a cab on the AKLEH for a company dinner, rain pattering on the roof of the taxi. But here, amongst the smoke and fumes of industrialization, was where I found my heart, sprayed with Calvin Klein Crave perfume. And the bridge between past and present collapses, leaving me falling and falling into the deep hole of nothingness.